More difficult than expected

I don’t know if anyone is actually reading these as I go, and that’s both a good and a bad thing. I try very hard to not repeat myself from entry to entry incase by chance someone is taking the time to be here. Taking the time to hear my thoughts as I type them up here for anyone to find. If I knew no one would really ever read them ( good probability ) then I could be less guarded with the thoughts I openly share. When you’re someone like myself, you stay guarded most of if not all of the time. Having to force myself to write daily means I often have to search for topics and sometimes that leads me to uncomfortable ideas. A future topic will be to explain what I mean when I say that I am a 9 but as a 9 I worry much more about others than myself. Combine that with the residual effects of a pretty nasty concussion a few years ago and you are left with a less than ideal person to do life with. I find myself indecisive more often than not, without opinion on most matters, (even if I were completely honest with myself I probably do have a preference but not one worth mentioning ), and often mentally and sadly emotionally checked out, or vacant. I am not proud of this but sometimes I actually see the benefit of letting others in, but also allowing myself to speak freely- even though its much harder than I can express really.

I am not writing this for sympathy, so please don’t read the first paragraph and feel sorry for me. I am working on the things I can control. I am focused on better self care and time for things I enjoy. I spent the entire weekend photographing some of my favorite people and enjoying being there with them and being blessed with the drive to create something special for each of them. Do I always succeed to the level I set for myself, absolutely not and fail at this far more often than not. It has taken me a very long time to understand than no matter how hard I try, how much I try to learn about things I don’t fully understand, or how many hours I edit and re-edit my work that in the end my work is enjoyed. It is cherished by the people that I do life with. It is sought after by those closest in my circle. I think this is two fold if I allow myself to step back and stop being so critical of the work itself, and to see the time, love, and attention that I dedicate to it, are felt and extracted by the people I created it for. That is success. Fame fades, but knowing I am the first person many people consider when they have a moment in this fleeting life, that is important to them will always mean more than fame, wealth, or acknowledgment by the world

I hope someone reads this and understands that we as artists have a wonderful job, an encouraging gift, but more importantly an overwhelming responsibility to document this time, these moments, and to do so now before they are nothing but a faded memory. It means so much more than the return.

Thanks for reading even though this was more about me and my opinion that about pretty photos or sunsets.

Love you guys- whoever you are.

J